SAILBOAT MAINTENANCE TOOLS EXPLAINED
HAMMER: Originally employed as
a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate rigging and other expensive boat parts not far
from the object we are trying to "adjust". Available
in a variety of sizes, which is typically chosen based on the
amount of time you have already wasted attempting to "solve
a problem". Available with a head made of steel, plastic,
brass or hard rubber. As a side note, only the steel head has
a practical use, no logical use for the other materials has ever
been discovered. Some models equipped with the fly away head
option. AKA "Ford Wrench", "Michigan Speed Wrench",
"Wound Inflicting Hammer"
RAZOR KNIFE: Used to open and
slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing
spinnakers, boat covers, and bimini tops.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for
spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old
age. Some larger models are capable of turning the users wrist
in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts
to break through the material you're drilling.
SLIP-JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily
used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only
grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying
to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws.
The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire
where you would have liked to cut it.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine
useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above
the bench grinder.
BENCH GRINDER: This devise is
equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on
the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of
old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
calluses in about the time it takes to say "roller reefing".
The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise
fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object
you're working on great distances.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for
lowering the boat trailer back to the ground after you've installed
those new low profile tires, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the chrome fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a trailer upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: a tool used for removing
Douglas Fir wood splinters from your hand.
PHONE: Tool for calling your
sailing partner to see if he/she has another hydraulic floor
jack. Also useful for canceling dinner reservations you and your
significant other had and ordering pizza delivery when the "three
hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into
the evening hours.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically
useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for scraping dog doo off your shoes.
PUTTY KNIFE: See gasket scraper
above.
E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times
harder then any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic
instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft
pulleys.
TWO TON OVERHEAD HOIST: A handy
tool for testing the tensile strength of standing rigging, life
lines, fuel lines and electrical connectors you may have forgotten
to disconnect.
1/2" X 16" SCREWDRIVER:
A larger motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined flat tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A
handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a boat battery
to your pants and to the inside of your toolbox after determining
that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting
tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off
the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically
equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double
as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when
you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall
off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires
a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might
hold and it might not..not for the high blood pressure types.
9/16" WRENCH (INEXPENSIVE TYPE):
A handy tool typically used in dock work to round off the heads
of rusted bolts.
9/16" WRENCH (EXPENSIVE TYPE):
Another useful tool typically used in dock work to round off
the heads of rusted bolts. This tool can also double as a handy
sounding device to test water depth and/or frighten fish.
TIN SNIPS: From the same family
as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left handers, but neither
will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect
for ruining light-weight steel, copper, aluminum, brass, etc.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics
own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise
not found under engine hatches of larger sailing vessels at night.
Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells
might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally
used to stab the lids of beer cans, crumble wine bottle corks,
and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center
punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that
takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that then travels by hose to
a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty trailer bolts
last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Indianapolis, and rounds
them off.
Adapted from list compiled by Craig Bonhoff
